Give new friends your first name / scene name / Fetlife name / scene specific E-mail address
NOT your last name, home address, where you work, phone number, personal E-mail, etc.
Meet new people in public places. (Munches/socials/classes/open dungeon parties.)
Play with new people in public play spaces.
If someone refuses to meet you in public, that’s a big red flag!
Get references. Check people out with others in the scene that you trust.
Pay attention to what people don’t say as well as what they do say.
Check ID if you’re in any doubt someone is of age.
Don’t play under the influence of alcohol, drugs or with someone under the influence.
Safe calls: (Useful when playing privately with someone you don’t know well.)
Tell a trusted friend (who will not be with you) who and where you will meet.
Arrange a time to check in. Arrange secret words you will say if you are OK or need help.
Before agreeing to go somewhere else, tell your safe call where you are going.
Arrange a time by which they should expect to hear from you.
Call them (so they hear your voice) after you are away from your date (back to a public place).
Negotiate play with your clothes on! (And out of bondage) Things to discuss:
You are never obligated to play with someone if you do not want to.
Safewords to be used. Do you get non-verbal when in subspace?
What you know you want and what you know you don’t want.
How long you expect to play.
Any physical limitations, existing injuries, disabilities, medications you are taking.
Whether bruises or other marks are acceptable and where on your body they are okay.
(Do you have a doctor appointment or workout at the gym scheduled soon?)
Dump out the toy bag! Put toys you don’t want used on you back in the bag.
Is sex on the menu? Don’t make assumptions! Be clear! Don’t expect your partner to read your mind or “hints”.
Discuss aftercare needs before the scene starts! (For the bottom and the top.)
If you feel your someone is not negotiating in good faith, or is pressuring you into play you do not want, do not play with them! This goes for tops as well as bottoms.
Once the scene starts, don’t “negotiate up” (Don’t ask for, or agree, to something not negotiated before starting).
It is okay to “negotiate down” or call an end to the scene, as either a top or bottom, if something doesn’t feel right.
Stick to the meaty areas of the body: Butt, thighs, upper back/shoulders.
Avoid impact to: kidneys (lower back), other vital organs, neck/spine, joints, mucus membranes, eyes, ears, previous injuries.
Avoid “wrapping” the tail of whip around torso, arm, etc. Tip(s) will hit hard.
Clean equipment before and after use.
Practice safe sex with new partners!
Use appropriate barriers to avoid semen to blood or blood to blood contact.
Put latex (or nitrile) on body parts that will come in contact with mucus membranes.
Contain your bodily fluids. Use condoms/towels/disposable under pads/puppy pads/tarps if necessary.
Put gloves on before handling sharps containers.
Don’t fling whips that already have blood on them.
Carry plastic bags to put contaminated toys in.
If you get blood or other bodily fluids on a toy that can’t be cleaned,
use it only on that person from now on. (Present it as a gift or bag and label it in your toy bag.)
Don’t put your dick in crazy! Don’t wrap your holes around crazy!
Not everyone is well adjusted. Free sex may not be worth the price.
Check in with your partner the day after play.
Don’t let anyone tell you there is only one true (“twue”) way to do BDSM.
If you feel your consent has been violated, speak up as soon as you are able.
Don’t put blind trust in “community leaders”.
This page is intended for the South San Francisco Bay Area. If you don't live here, your local terminology and customs may differ.
The core of this content was originally created for smOdyssey member orientation.
Comments, corrections, questions? Send them to @SteveV on Fetlife.